The Importance of Spending Intentional Time With Your Children

A contributor piece for Portlandmoms.com

Picture the scene. It is 2:30 p.m., and the door flings open as my three older children rush into the house in a frenzy. Backpacks, shoes, and socks are strewn across the room at warp speed. Racing into the kitchen, devouring the first food they can find, my kids quickly find a spot on the couch to collapse and exhale. It happens in a flurry. Sitting down on the couch next to them, I offer up a question in hopes of making a connection. Some days I am met with warm affections and other days, not so much. I have found that establishing a unique plan of action to spend intentional time with each of my children is vital to keeping connections strong. As a parent of 4 children with different personalities and needs, a one-size-fits-all approach will not get the job done. I’ve discovered 4 ways of intentionally connecting with my children that have fostered depth in our relationships. 

Scheduled Dates

Setting aside intentional time for a special date with each one of my children builds expectation and excitement for how we spend our time together. Conversations surrounding the details of our date include the places we will go, the types of food we will eat, and the things we will discuss. Since there are 4 children in the family, when a date is set with one child, we aim to get dates on the calendar for the other three as well, so that each child feels valued and celebrated.

Impromptu outings:

Any mother knows that there are seasons when one child needs more TLC than the others. This could be for a variety of reasons, but no matter the issue, intentional time with a parent may be just the salve needed to ease the flare-up. When situations like this arise in our family, we look for opportunities to provide that time for connection by folding our child into everyday, routine tasks. This may look like tagging along to the grocery store, getting the oil changed in the car, going on a walk/jog, or returning books to the library. More often than not, intentional time together provides space to recalibrate and connect, re-establishing stability in the relationship. 

Providing security and a safe space while at home:

Meltdowns rarely happen at a convenient time, because no time is right. The witching hour in our house is around dinner time when everyone is hungry and needy (including Mom) and Dad isn’t home yet. I’ve learned the hard way that the loudest yeller does not indicate the winner. When that happens, and believe me, it has, everyone loses. Prioritizing connection over the tasks needing to be accomplished is a lesson I have come to learn more slowly than I’d like to admit. The dinner can always wait. And that goes for the dishes too. In our family, sometimes the intentional time with my children comes on the heels of discipline. After correcting a behavior, take the time needed to be with your child and provide them with the security that their tender heart needs. I have found it to be a security that my mother's heart is longing for, too. 

Create a unique language of love with each of your children

A few years ago, one of my twin girls asked if we could create a special system to say “I love you” that would be special between just the two of us. I loved the idea, and together we decided on a rhythmic hand squeeze, similar to an SOS code, that communicated our love for each other. The rest of the kids eventually got wind of it and decided that they, too, wanted a secret code, so now each child and I have our own special way to say “I love you.” In the midst of busy schedules, when intentional time with each child is harder to come by, this small point of connection communicates the big love that is shared with each of my kids. 

When we are committed to creating behaviors that we value, our children catch on sooner than we realize. Just yesterday, my four-year-old daughter initiated a date with her Daddy. The two older girls were at a birthday party, and her brother had a friend over to play, and she saw an opportunity.  My husband and I were just resting on the couch in the living room when she walked in and announced that it was the perfect time for her and Daddy to have a date. She had a game plan set and was ready to execute it. My husband gladly said yes to her invitation and enjoyed some intentional one-on-one time with his baby girl.